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The Geek Girl's Survival Guide #10

A Geek Girl's Guide to Paranormal Romance

Let me just say that I’m as much of a sucker for a good romance as anyone else. I’ve lost my self-respect several times to the great snare that is romance books--I know many of them are predictable and badly written, but at the same time, my hormones get the better of me. I can’t help it. I have to find out how the characters end up getting together.

Reading a romance book is like snorting crack. One hit and you’re hooked.

I’ve often reflected on the amount of money I could make if I became a romance writer. This thought is, thankfully, always followed up by the thought that, were I a romance writer, I’d have to jump out an eleventh story window onto something spiky as a form of ritual suicide to redeem myself from dishonor.

Such is the code of my order.

Last summer I became aware of a genre called “paranormal romance.” It was quite the hot topic at CascadiaCon in Seattle last August, and I attended a few panels on the subject, and picked up a book to read. I heard the author speak on several panels--apparently she’s a well respected author in the paranormal romance genre.

Well, as respected as a romance writer can be. Come on, we’ve all seen Romancing the Stone.

At the time I thought: Hey, I’ve got a story I’m working on that has both paranormal elements, and a romance. Maybe I could market it toward this genre. It wouldn’t exactly be like writing romance. Right?

This idea certainly had it’s perks--I met a couple editors at the con who were acquiring, so when I finished my novel, I’d know where to send it.

The novel I picked up to sample sat on my shelves for the next six months. My story remains unwritten--shoved to the back burner by other ideas that have been jumping up and down, demanding my attention.

Recently I’ve been going through my books, trying to either read the ones I haven’t read or get rid of them if I’m never going to read them. I figured now is as good a time as any to do my market research in paranormal romance, so I started reading.

What I discovered was that this is not a genre that I can ever, ever write in. First, because I could barely handle reading some of the content--let alone coming up with these situations myself--and second because if I did, I would lose all self-respect and have to jump out of a seventh-story window.

You know how, when channel flipping, you can immediately recognize a soap opera upon flipping to it? Even with the volume muted? Even if you only saw one or two frames of action?

I’ve always wondered why that is. Is it the camera angles? The sets? The painfully cheesy facial expressions?

Romance novels possess the same undeniable je ne sais quoi that makes them instantly recognizable. I’ve read romance novels before, but this was my first foray into the paranormal sector of the genre. I can’t say it’s a journey I ever care to take again.

Still, I learned some valuable lessons about how to write paranormal romance, and I’d like to impart this information to any of you Geek Girls who might be interested. Some of this comes from this particular reading experience (no, I won’t give you the title of the book) while the rest comes from past experiences with the romance genre.

How to Write Paranormal Romance: A Non-Comprehensive List

Use at least one adjective before every noun.
Have a character look at herself in a mirror and describe herself on the first page--and then again after any significant passage of time.
The heroine must begin the novel certain that she will never marry. This will heighten the tension, or at least allow the reader to pretend that the hero and heroine might not end up together. Or perhaps it serves as the writer’s promise to the reader that they will.
If the heroine is more interested in either books or horses than men, so much the better.
Use the following words liberally, to set the tone for your novel. Use them especially when describing more mundane yet metaphorical pursuits, such as gardening: alluring, besotted, burning, dazzling, demure, desire, destiny, dreamily, ephemeral, errant, exotic, gallantries, intoxicating, languid, lushly, passionate, pleasing, pleasure, sensual, slake, sparkle, sultry, twinkle, twisted, velvety, wantonly, wistfully, yearning. (Somehow, I feel less pure just for typing that.)
Actually have a character utter the phrase, “As you know…” followed by background information. That’s a great way to do exposition.
Have men compare wooing women to buying horses. That’s romantic. For balance, have women compare men to wild animals, such as lions, tigers and bears. Oh my.
No one should have a normal eye color. In romanceland, eyes must always be “changeable,” “stormy,” or at the very least, “piercing.”
When the hero and heroine meet, make the obligatory reference to lightening.
Use familiar metaphors, i.e. moth-to-flame and cat-and-mouse.
Give each of your characters at least three names, so that the reader has absolutely no way to keep track of who is speaking to whom.
Have the characters desire to marry within minutes of meeting each other. Fictional relationships don’t need time to grow. This will speed up getting to the real point of the novel, which is of course, the all important sex scene.
Most importantly, create a magic system that can be easily tied into sex scenes. Since sex is the real point of the book, using magic with sex can make your novels even more provocative.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I haven’t read extensively in the romance genre. (Nor do I mean to.) There are apparently lots of women out there who love these books--since romance consistently outsells sci-fi and fantasy by large numbers, if I’m not mistaken. Given that, it would be a great genre to get into as a writer, as you’d have a large market chomping at the bit for something new.

Unfortunately for me, I felt like burning out my eyes after only four chapters. If I were to write such a thing, I’d have to cut off my fingers as well, which probably wouldn’t be good for my health, and would deprive me of finger foods for the rest of my life. And that would be tragic.

So, I think I’ll stick with being a writer of romantic subplots, rather than a writer of romance books. It’s much better for my health, and the health of my more detachable limbs.

Still, if you ever find me impaled on something spiky next to an eleven-story building, you’ll know why.

Consider yourselves warned.

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Written by MsFish on March 15th, 2006