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#8: A Geek Girl's Guide to Being the Damsel in Distress

I’ve never really been the “damsel in distress” type. Maybe I’m a feminist; maybe I have trust issues. Either way, for the most part I like to take care of myself, and I’m not big on letting other people protect me.

It took me years to get used to guys opening doors for me--that’s just not how I grew up. I never really understood the purpose; I can open my own door, thank you very much. I’ve since learned the error of my ways, and have come to almost expect the courtesy from my guy friends. Still, I’m often taken by surprise by chivalry.

During the first session of my campaign at the game store, I made the mistake of letting this guy sit next to me, who proceeded to harass me for the rest of the evening. His jokes were lewd, and as the only single girl in the room, I became the target of a string of sexual innuendos.

I’m not easily offended, but I’d have had to purposely fail my listen checks to avoid being offended by this guy.

About halfway through the game I was wondering what I was doing there. I didn’t need to subject myself to that. For the most part I ignored the guy--making it clear that I didn’t appreciate his behavior--but there wasn’t much else I could do besides try to engage in conversation with people who were more respectful. I found catharsis in having my character avoid his character, who was (not surprisingly), just as out of control as he was.

What surprised me most was the reactions of the other players. Several people laughed and encouraged me in my efforts to ignore and avoid the onslaught. One player even turned to me, after I maneuvered my character in a particularly obvious moment of avoidance, and said, “You’re my favorite character so far.”

Even if I was being harassed, I was also gaining the other players’ respect, and there was a certain satisfaction in that.

In response to glares from around the table, my assailant apologized to me several times, but the apologies didn’t carry much weight since they were inevitably followed up by more harassment. Honestly, how sincere can you be about an apology for something that you persist in doing--with no further signs of remorse.

After this experience, I thought long and hard about returning to the game store the next week. I didn’t really want to subject myself to an environment that was going to leave me feeling attacked. I have another gaming group. The game store thing might not be for me after all.

Finally I decided to return for the next session--after all, the DM had spent a lot of time helping me create a character. I might as well give it one more try.

As I walked in the door of the shop, Peter--the guy who invited me to play in the first place--motioned me over.

“Were those guys bothering you last week?” he asked.

“Just the one,” I said, and identified him for him.

Peter nodded. “I’ll talk to him.”

Another of the players looked up from a nearby table. “No, no,” he said. “Don’t worry about it. We already did.”

I was floored. These guys didn’t know me. What difference should it make to them whether or not I felt comfortable there?

When my assailant showed up for the session, he immediately apologized profusely for making me uncomfortable—to which I said, “Don’t apologize, just don’t do it again.”

And he hasn’t since. At least, not much. At the very least the comments have been lowered to a more manageable level.

I certainly haven’t sat by him again.

And what’s more, I have a group of protectors—if you will—people I sit by and talk to during the gaming sessions who I know will treat me with respect.

Who knew, after all my anxiety, that I’d find that in a game store?

All this makes me to wonder if there’s something about geek culture that leads geek guys to be more chivalrous than other guys I know. After all, I’d met these guys once. They didn’t know me, nor have any reason to defend my honor. Apparently chivalry isn’t dead, after all.

Perhaps they’re all paladins in disguise.

Or maybe they were afraid of losing their only unmarried female player. Geek girls, never underestimate the power of this position. Other girls may think your dicey habits—terrible pun, I know—are weird, but seriously, who can argue with those odds?

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Written by MsFish on February 16th, 2006