Emile Hirsch, Christina Ricci, Matthew Fox, John Goodman, Susan Sarandon and Roger Allam
Screenplay by Larry and Andy Wachowski
Directed by The Wachowski Brothers
 

In 1999, The Matrix came seemingly out of nowhere, starting out as an opening act for Star Wars: Episode I and then actually managing to overshadow it, stealing much of its thunder with sci fi fans and even beating it out for the Visual Effects Oscar. Directors Larry and Andy Wachowski were the new flavor of the month, hailed as visionaries and worshipped by overzealous fans the world over, who found the Wachowski's darkly creative and violent take on the future to be the perfect antidote to their feelings of dissapointment at the more cartoonish aspects of Phantom Menace. This was how it should be done. The brothers were the new George Lucas.

 

And then, with the release of the mega-hyped The Matrix Reloaded, the Wachowski's proved that Lucas hardly had a monopoly on dissappointing fans. Relaoded was bigger, louder, and very eye popping, but had very little of the mind blowing originality and and innovation associated with The Matrix. Then, only a few months later, The Matrix Revolutions opened to relative indiference and went out with a whimper.

 

Since then, there has been a lot of anticipation as to how the brothers would fare in their first big non-Matrix project. They wrote and produced the cult hit V For Vendetta, though directing chores were left to James McTeague. No, they were too big to direct a mere adaptation of a graphic novel. They were saving themselves for a serious work of art.

 

Now, at last, that work of art is is here. Speed Racer, a "live action" (and I use the term loosely) adapation of the ultra annoying 1960s Japanese cartoon, may not seem like the most high-minded or serious project the boys could undertake, but on further inspection, it is actually a much stupider idea than it seems to be. After proving that they could out-do Lucas at lackluster sequels, Larry and Andy seem to have set out to prove that they can make a more dumbfounding blunder than Howard the Duck. Way to go, guys--there is no spoon (and if it there were, we'd gag you with it.).

 

Speed Racer is the story of a boy named . . . Speed Racer. Okay, it's a cartoon, try to move past that. True to his name, Speed lives for speed, and racing. His older brother, Rex, whom he idolizes, is a championship racer. Rex is being courted by all of the big corporate sponsors, much to the disapproval of Pops, his father (John Goodman), who wants Rex to stay with the team sponsored by the family business, though we are never really sure what that is. Racing, probably. 

 

After a falling out between Pops and Rex, the elder brother is tragically killed in a cross-country race, though his remains were never found. But as heartbroken as the family is, Speed and Pops realize while watching a televised race that racing is still in their blood. So, between this and the fact that he is too lazy to change his name, Speed grows up to be (surprise) the best darn racer you ever saw. It's not long before he, too, is being courted by major coportate sponsors, including Mr. Royalton, (Roger Allam), the CEO of Royalton Industries, which apparently has something to do with racing. Royalton offers the world to young Speed, sucking up to the boy and his family (which consists of Pops, Mom (Susan Sarandon) Little Brother Spritle, a fat kid with an "Our Gang" accent, and, for reasons that are never clear, a chimpanzee named Chim Chim). And of course, Speed has a sweetheart, Trixie (Christina Ricci), with a plucky, wholesome charm that is matched only by her spunky, girl next door spiritedness.

 

Royalton takes the family for a spin in his coporate jet, wines and dines them, and showers Speed with expensive gifts, including a brand new suit made out of old Volkswagen seat covers. But Speed, repulsed by the sight of Royalton's shaggy nose hair on the IMAX screen, refues to sign, leaving Royalton no choice but to snarl like a dog and make vague threats to remind us that he is both evil and British.

 

Meanwhile, Speed's rival, the mysterious masked "Racer X" ("Lost"'s Matthew Fox) keeps showing up in unlikely places, and he seems to know a lot about Speed.  And then John  Law shows up in the form of "Inspector Detector," (Benno Furman) who confirms suspicions that Rolyalton is, in fact, British, and, along with Racer X, enlists Speed's help in some sort of idiotic plan that involves racing.

 

This movie is not easy to follow. The frenetic visual style causes nausea and a pounding headache, and the narrative flow is about about as smooth as broken glass. I have never actually had an aicd trip, but I'm pretty sure this is a close approxiamtion. One would expect the action sequences to at least provide some strong entertainment value, but the racing scenes are ultimately too choppy, and the fight sequnces are shockinlgy inept. Much of this has to do with the Wachowski's constant attempts to makes this a cartoon come to life, complete with the most ridiculous stylistic choices that are associated with the source material. The sight of John Goodman with jet black hair, a false mustache and a pastel shirt tussling with bad guys is something that you might feel that you have to see to believe, but trust me when I say you don't want to see it, and even if you do, you won't believe it.

 

Surprisingly, the visuals are not the film's saving grace--they are one of its biggest weaknesses. Instead, it is the likable performances of Hirsch and especially Ricci that give the movie what few moments of watchabilty it has to offer. Sarandon, of course, is incapable of giving a bad performance, but is woefully underused, and Goodman does his best to get past his idiotic look. But Roger Allam is so over the top that it negates any good done by the others, and young Paulie Litt, as little brother Spritle, who is supposed to be the film's comic relief, could not be more irritating or less endearing. The Chimpanzee seems thoroughly embarrassed to be stuck sharing the screen with him. 

 

In the end, this movie is an unmitigated disaster. The only person who will leaves this with any sense of satisfaction is M. Night Shyamalan, who must take some comfort in seeing that someone out there has fallen even flatter than he has (though he still has a bad movie coming later this summer.).

 

Speed Racer is rated PG for violence, profanity and vulgarity.