Cooking for Geeks

One of the inherent problems of being a guy, especially a geek guy, is that people think you don't know how to cook. After all, mom's been making your dinner for the last 34 years, right?

Well, fret not. Don't tell everyone at the office that you had to buy your contribution to the potluck or that the wife made it for you. There's some really simple food you can make that will impress everyone (esp. single girls for you lonely nerds). The beauty of this food is it looks like you worked hard on it, but it requires no skills other than the ability to read numbers (but be careful not to burn yourself). Yes, you too can be lazy and still eat well (if by well you mean food that will make you fat).

First up, dessert.

My mother calls these Hello Dollies. I don't know why. As far as I know it has nothing to do with the musical. But here it is.

Before beginning you'll want to turn on the oven so it's getting hot. Set one dial to "bake" and the other to "350" (this is Fahrenheit, I don't know what to tell you guys to do with Celsius; find a converter on the web, probably). Let it warm up while you mix it all up.

The most difficult part comes first. You need to get some graham cracker crust. They sell pie tins of this stuff if you're lazy, but I find it more cathartic to grab a package of graham crackers, take out one of the "subpackets" of crackers, and beat it with a rolling pin. However you do it, you want to line the bottom of a 9" x 9" pan with the stuff. If you have a square casserole dish, it's probably a 9" x 9" pan. This is about a cup of the crumbs (if you're precise, my mom's written recipe calls for a cup, but that's a little much). Generally a cup is about 2/3 of this package. My recommendation is to do two packages and make a triple batch if you don't want to measure.

If you use the pie tin approach, you probably don't need to do this, but otherwise, melt a stick of butter and pour it over the gram crackers. If they don't all get wet, mix it up with a fork or and then smooth it all back out. Don't worry, the end product will be gooey and no one will notice imperfectly spread crust.

Step two is to spread a cup of coconut and a cup of chopped or crush walnuts in layers. I suppose you could substitute another kind of nuts, but peanuts are lame, almonds sound weird for this recipe, and besides, you can buy walnuts pre-chopped or –crushed, generally in 1/2 cup packages. Thus, no measuring. If you're keeping track, a cup of coconut is a little less than half a 14 oz. package of coconut. You'll be safe if you go a little over though, so I'd just do half. The next layer is a half-package of chocolate chips. I prefer the semi-sweet myself, especially for this particular recipe. If you want to be anal, this again is a cup. But it's faster and easier to do it in half packages. It's tempting to do a whole package, but unfortunately, that destabilizes the consistency of the final product unless you refrigerate for several hours first. It also ruins the balance. I don't recommend it.

The final ingredient is sweetened, condensed milk. When you're shopping or digging through ma's kitchen, make sure the can says "sweetened" and that it says it's condensed. Otherwise, you'll ruin everything. EVERYTHING I TELL YOU! Pour the whole can on. Don't worry, as far as I can tell, there is only one size can of sweetened, condensed milk sold in the US. Use the whole thing. Use a rubber scraper to get the stuff stuck to the sides of the can. This is where most of the sweet comes from and it's what holds the cookie together when it's done.

Once everything is mixed, stick the pan in the oven and let it sit there for half an hour. When the thirty minutes are up, be sure to use a hot pad to pull it out unless you don't want to be using your rolling hand for a week or so. Remember to turn off the oven or mom will yell at you. It doesn't shut off automatically like the microwave.

Let the thing cool unless you're a masochist. After it's cooled, it holds together better. Though there is the allure of hot, gooey chocolate with stuff. Don't worry about gooey, though. This stuff is plenty gooey even when cold.

When it's at room temperature, you're ready to eat it. Cut it up if you're sharing, or if you're spending New Year's Eve alone with Dick Clark you can skip that. Enjoy.

Now, no party is complete without a drink. And if you're like me, you're either Mormon and thus can't drink or the only parties you really go to are at the office. Either way means no alcohol. That's why I'm sharing with you my dad's own recipe for wassail that can be shared with children (legally).

Most people think of wassail as sort of like mulled wine, and the combination of wine and sugar gets most people plastered rather rapidly. Sandra Boyton has even stated that the etymology goes back to drunken English carolers trying to ask "What's in this ale?"

But we'll have none of that here!

Ok, what you want to do is gather some spices. Now, for the typical geek this means a shopping trip. Don't worry, the folks at the grocery store are typically friendly and are known to bite only when provoked. Spices are generally to be found in the aisle for "baking needs." Don't be fooled into looking for them near "condiments," which technically, I suppose they really are. Because they're not going to be there. If you're lucky, the store has a sign for "spices" if not, ask someone. It should be ok, just don't ask the cute girl in aisle three and your pants will stay dry.

You'll need to go shopping for these because most people these days don't keep cinnamon sticks (or they may if they use them to stir tea, which is cool) or whole cloves (maybe if they make tea) or whole allspice (this is in no way related to season salt, incidentally; allspice is an actual, naturally growing spice, freakish huh?) or chunks of ginger. Note carefully the word "whole" I used several times there. With the exception of possibly the ginger, powdered spices will not do. You want whole. Whole allspice is the hardest to come by, in my experience. One store only carried one brand of allspice, and that powdered only. Luckily, the other store had about a million brands of it. Perfect.

Anyway, once you've got this stuff home (if you're lucky, mom cooks and has it there already) you want to put a quart of water into a 2 gallon pot (or any really big one). Then dump in a cup of sugar, 3 cinnamon sticks, 5 whole cloves, a teaspoon of the allspice (that's like, 18 or so little allspice balls. I recommend measuring just this once, though), and 3 chunks of ginger root. As I said, you can use powdered ginger if you want, but I don't have a measurement for this. Like, a tablespoon on the high end. Probably more like a teaspoon. I just shake the stuff in till I feel it's good. If it tastes too strong when you're done, you put too much in. Try again.

Stir this all up really good and then boil it on the stove for ten minutes. Boiling is when lots of big bubbles keep coming. Use the high setting for this. When it's been bubbling for ten minutes, turn off the stove, and move the pot off of it to cool. Half an hour usually works, though if you forget about it and come back an hour or so later, it won't hurt it none.

After it's cooled you need to fish out the spice chunks. No one wants a clove to show up in their drink. They should have lent plenty of flavor already. Fish 'em out and toss 'em.

Then put in a large can of orange juice concentrate and a small can of lemonade concentrate. I'm sure there's an actual quantity that goes with this, but again, in the US, there are two pretty standard sizes for frozen juice concentrate. My dad melts the concentrate into the stuff, but I find it easier to just have the concentrate sitting out on the counter from the time you start boiling. Anyway, pour these in the mix along with two quarts of apple cider. That's "cider," not "juice." They taste way different. Trust me on this.

Heat the stuff back up on a low setting and make sure it's mixed well. When it's hot, keep it on warm and serve it. Civilized people use ladles for this. I, however, find that a spare mug scoops it into someone's cup just as easy. It's good stuff, and a great change of pace from your other hot drinks. People will think you're cool!

It won't get you any more dates though.

Discuss it in our forums.

Written by SaintEhlers on December 22nd, 2005