So You’ve Been Possessed By An Elder God

A 12-Step Program

It happens: you misstep a little and an ancient being of ultimate evil comes into your life. You don’t need to feel lost and confused anymore. The following is a series of steps to help you take back your life…in a way.

1. Admission: We admit that we have become powerless over our problem. Maybe it was that your legs have become tentacles or the eyes growing out of your spine, but things just aren’t right. Chances are all of your friends know, but haven’t wanted to tell you. The sooner you admit this to yourself, the better off you will be.

2. Came to Believe: We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves has taken our sanity. Don’t think of pink elephants. Don’t think of pink elephants. Don’t think of pink elephants. Can’t stop of thinking of pink elephants? It’s not your fault.

3. Turned Over Our Lives: Made a decision to turn over our lives to the insatiable hunger of the Elder God. Whether it’s Cthulu, Seth, John Stewart, George W., or Hello Kitty, your will is not your own. Your soul belongs to something else—accept it.

4. Inventory: Made a searching and fearless inventory of just how we came to be possessed. Now that you think about it, that Lovecraft Society you joined was really more “craft” than “love.” Maybe that prank call to Cthulu was inappropriate. Perhaps that shrine of knickknacks is not really that cute…seriously.

5. Confess: Admit to the Elder God and another human being the nature of your wrong doing. Yup, share the pain and be honest—this is for posterity’s sake.

6. Be Ready: Be completely prepared to have the Elder God remove the last remaining shreds of your humanity. Also, don’t forget to fill out your HMO and sign up for the 401K plan.

7. Petition: Ask the Elder God to devour your soul. Everyone has to start somewhere. It’s probably kind of tingly.

8. List Those You Wish to Harm: Now that you are a soulless being controlled by an ancient evil of unspeakable power, you have some planning to do. Remember that person who turned you down for the prom? Or how about your boss who still hasn’t given you that raise? I think you have something you would now like to say to them.

9. Make Amends: Preferably in a terrifying and violent manner.

10. Continue to Take Inventory: There is a lot ahead of you now, so you need to watch out for yourself. You could easily fall back on your old habits. Some devout preacher or dedicated firend could decide they want to “save” you from yourself. Also remember to avoid holy water and guys with chainsaws for hands.

11. Develop a Close Relationship With Your Elder God: Now that you have been possessed, you need to make a good impression to further your career. Don’t skimp on the desecration or unholy sacrifices.

12. Share: What better way to complete your recovery than to share your message of pain, misery, and despair with others. Venting your feelings, or a just a good massacre at the local high school, will make you feel that much better.

Best wishes and remember you are not alone—there are scary things under your bed.

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Written by 42 on October 31st, 2005